Oct. 1st, 2017 01:37 pm
kinoface: (嵐:きっと NO REASON!)
Dear LJ and DW friends:

I did it. I had a baby. I went to the hospital last Monday, and the following Tuesday, at 2:38pm, I delivered a beautiful, perfect baby who has a full head of dark hair and a cute little mouth and the darkest grey-blue eyes I've ever seen, and I love him intensely.

I just tried to write up a detailed post about the delivery and what happened afterwards, but just remembering these things has me crying so hard that I can't see the screen. It's been pretty frustrating (but, spoiler alert: there's a happy ending), and looking back at certain things from the delivery day, knowing now what I didn't know then, is a little too much at the moment. So here's the tl;dr(ish) version:

Labor went super quickly and super smoothly. Everyone told me I'd be there for two or three days and would have to take multiple doses of two different kinds of medicine, but it took me half a pill and sixteen hours. Everyone was pretty amazed. Look, Lentl and I were on the same page: it was time for him to get out.

Before the delivery, after I'd gotten into my hospital gown and was hooked up to the monitors but before I'd seen the doctor to get my half-a-pill, a nurse said to me, "Oh, you had insulin-dependent gestational diabetes? You know that means he's going straight to the NICU, right?" No, I hadn't known that. In the months since I had been diagnosed and put on insulin, not a single person had even mentioned this to me.

So the delivery happened. It went perfectly. One second I was pushing and screaming through the most intense pain I've ever felt, and the next second there was a tiny, wailing human on top of me. I held him, and he reached up with his tiny hands to hold onto my index finger. I could only see the top of his head and his ear and his hands. I was sobbing because I was so happy to see him and so devastated that they were going to take him away from me. I got two minutes with him, and then he was gone.

The first time I saw his face was in a picture that someone else sent me.

For hours and hours, I couldn't see him. First I had to wait for the epidural to wear off. Then I had to wait for someone to take me to my postpartum room. Then I had to wait for my postpartum nurse to run through a checklist of exams and instructions, but she left the room for huge chunks of time between each one. She never even did the last one, which, of course, was to give me an ice pack to help with the swelling and pain -- she just said she'd be right back and I literally never saw her again. I know my sense of time was very distorted by this point, but I spent what felt like hours just lying in bed crying because my baby had been alive for so many hours and I had only been able to see him for two minutes. (I'm crying again.) When I finally got to see him, I completely broke down. I sat in the chair and the nurse handed him to me and I cried and cried. He was wearing a little hat and by the time I left, it was soaked. (I just had to move him into my lap because I can't stand not touching him right now as I remember all of this.)

Nurses and doctors kept giving me estimates of when he would leave the NICU, but it got longer every time. "He'll probably be discharged when you are." "It'll probably be just a day or two after that." "Just another day or so." He was healthy, but they had to put him on a regimen of IV fluids so they could monitor his blood sugar, then monitor how it reacted as they weaned him off the fluids, then monitor how it reacted as they took him off the fluids completely. This process took longer than anyone said it would, and it made feeding him so much more difficult. When I got to nurse him for the first time, he'd already been given bottled formula and a pacifier; the sugar in the IV meant he wasn't as hungry as he would have been otherwise. There were days when I couldn't get him to nurse at all and I had to feed him formula instead or let someone else do it.

This was heartbreaking, and right now all I can think is that I could have had time -- months -- to research and prepare for this, but no one ever gave me that opportunity. I also could have prepared, emotionally and logistically, for staying in the NICU even after I'd been discharged from the hospital. That was a frustration all its own, and I ended up sleeping on an uncomfortable couch, and INB wasn't allowed to stay so I was by myself, and sometimes I had to share the room with other moms, but I made it work. I stayed in the "family room" while my son slept, and when he woke up I went out to feed him, and that was my life. I walked into the hospital on Monday night and didn't even leave the maternity ward for the first time until Friday morning, when an angel disguised as a lactation consultant walked in on me crying and then talked me through what was happening and got me motivated to go downstairs and get something to eat.

Everyone (well, almost everyone) was kind and welcoming and respectful, but the whole situation was so frustrating, and I felt so powerless. I cried more during my pregnancy than I had my whole freaking life, and I'm pretty sure I cried more in he NICU than I had for my whole pregnancy.

Finally, finally, yesterday morning, I got the news that I could take my baby home. It was a wacky and nerve-wracking day, and my nerves are still so frazzled that I broke down last night and cried uncontrollably while INB took care of our son, but I think a lot of that is sleep deprivation.

The important thing is that we're home now, all three of us, and my baby is healthy, and I can see him and hold him whenever I want, and nursing is still difficult but we'll continue working on it. My milk came in last night (the last time I pumped in the hospital, I struggled just to get 20 ml; last night I pumped twice and easily got 45 and then 60 ml) so even if he won't nurse and I have to give him a bottle, at least he'll be getting my milk instead of formula.

Overall, I'm happy. My delivery didn't go the way I expected it to, but my beautiful baby boy, who is no longer a hypothetical Lentl but a very real JB, is healthy and home and surrounded by love, and those are the most important things.

Also, I have eaten so many sandwiches.


Sep. 21st, 2017 11:49 pm
kinoface: (嵐:Ohmiya)

Last week I had my last ultrasound, and everything looked great!! The big worry with gestational diabetes is that the baby could be too big, which could lead to complications like a dislocated shoulder or an emergency C-section, but his weight was absolutely perfect. She also checked his organs, his position, placement of the umbilical cord, etc, and everything seems to be exactly the way it should be, which I am so so happy about. Also lolol she got his femur on the screen and measured it and said, "Hmm, are you both a little on the short side?" so I guess Lentl is going to be a shortie like me. :D

I'm taking a two-week break from school (more if I need to, but at least two weeks), so Wednesday was my last day lugging a whole almost-baby around my massive campus.

Tomorrow is my last NST (a thing where I go to the clinic and they monitor Lentl's heartbeart for twenty minutes to make sure he's doing okay, which he always is).

And this morning was my last doctor's appointment. I've been having mild contractions on and off, which is normal, so the doctor checked to see if I'm dilated -- which, by the way, is EXTREMELY FUCKING PAINFUL -- and it turns out I'm already at 2 cm. That doesn't mean I'm about to go into labor or anything, it just means my body is starting to get ready, but it also means that when I go in on Monday to be induced, it'll probably go pretty smoothly since the whole process is already partially underway. I am very very relieved to hear this because inductions can take as long as two days and I'm not super excited about that possibility, so the shorter the better!! Also good news: last doctor's appointment means I'm officially done logging my blood sugar. THANK SPARKLE. I still have to stick to my diet and keep taking my nightly insulin until the baby is actually born, of course, but I'm done checking my blood ten million times a day and writing everything down. THANK. SPARKLE. Also, hilariously, I weigh the exact amount I weighed nine months ago when I went to take my pregnancy test.

The last thing the doctor told me was that my delivery room is going to be my room so I should feel free to bring whatever I want to make it comfortable........ so I thought about it and then went on Amazon and bought a replica of Sailor Moon's Silver Crystal dlfhlkdjfdf. Look, your friend kinoface is a real winner okay guys.

We still have a lot to do and not very much time to do it, but emotionally I feel ready. People keep saying things like "I bet you can't wait to not be pregnant anymore" and that's not exactly right; other than the gestational diabetes this pregnancy has actually been pretty easy, and there's really nothing quite as amazing as feeling him move around and hiccup and literally be connected to me, so it's not that I'm super eager to be done with this. I just can't wait to meet this little person and see what he looks like and watch him grow up and develop his own personality and be my little buddy (and also Odin's little buddy, and if it turns out he's allergic to dogs I will throw myself into a volcano, it's the only logical response).

Also sandwiches.

I can't wait to be able to eat sandwiches again.

Four more days!!!!!


Sep. 1st, 2017 08:23 pm
kinoface: (☾:Ami: well actually...)
36 weeks tomorrow! We've reached the point where there's no way to say how soon my induction date is without it sounding really soon: "this month," "three weeks," "twenty-four days," etc. Yikes. YIKES. :D

Pregnancy-related stuff. )

So, that is my physical situation: not too bad. As for my mental / emotional situation...... hmmm...... Unhappy, friendship-related stuff. )


As of last week, I'm officially back to school. School-related stuff. )

I think that's it!! Boy, that is a lot, and also I am hungry and, as previously mentioned, am trying to be better about staying on top of that, so I guess I will go make food!!! I love you guys and hope you're all doing well. ♥


Aug. 4th, 2017 07:47 am
kinoface: (嵐:きっと NO REASON!)
After writing yesterday's post, I sat down and came up with a very specific, very detailed three-day meal plan to enact some things I've been wanting to try, like moving my daily veggies to lunch so I'm getting mostly protein for dinner, and then I went grocery shopping. Didn't have a very good day emotionally but did have a good day as far as sticking to my plan/schedule.

I also decided to take myself back down to 14 units of insulin, because when I was on 14 units I got the best results even though they weren't perfect because I was still figuring out some diet stuff. I decided to do this because, as I mentioned yesterday, I've been reading about rebound highs and how your number can be high in the morning if your sugar drops too low during the night.

So the main things were: Mostly protein for dinner. 14 units of insulin.


My number this morning was fucking perfect.

Obviously this was just one day so it could have been a fluke or whatever re: the protein thing, but I definitely don't think it's a coincidence that I haven't gotten a single good number with 18 units of insulin and going back down to 14 immediately made an improvement. Liiiike I'm not about to give up on doctors entirely or whatever but come the fuck on!!!!!

Anyway so I'm feeling very accomplished this morning as I sip my coffee, and in a few hours I have an ultrasound so I get to see Lentl today, and even if I have another bad number tomorrow, I will know that I've made some kind of progress and this whole stupid thing isn't as hopeless as it has seemed for weeks.


Jul. 28th, 2017 11:26 pm
kinoface: (嵐:きっと NO REASON!)
31 weeks as of tomorrow!

Gestational diabetes continues to kick my ass. My insulin dosage has now been upped AGAIN (twice total) and I'm still only getting good morning numbers about half the time, which I guess is an improvement from none of the time, but still: what the fuck.

Also, having a strict diet and a very slim food budget means I'm basically eating the same three meals every day and it's starting to make me crazy. Today I cried about it. That's the stupidest thing to get upset over but the whole thing is just incredibly frustrating, especially on top of other frustrating things that I don't feel like getting into. OH WELL.

Also also: I found out at my last appointment that because of the diabetes, I'm going to be induced at 39 weeks!! Yikes!!!! I'm actually kind of relieved because one of the things I've been worrying about is like... going into labor on campus or having my water break in the middle of class or something. But being induced means we'll be able to schedule a day, and that means being more prepared, and I always like being more prepared for things!! Also ... I really don't know if they'll let me pick the day, but my original due date is September 30, and September 25 is approximately one week before that, so......... I might have already talked about this here, but September 25 is the day my mom died and is also the birthday of my dear, very beloved friend H whom I hadn't seen in years and then he was finally in town and when we met up I was complaining about period cramps except my period never showed up and I later realized those were implantation cramps, meaning: the night I saw him was literally the night I became pregnant. So I have been joking to him this whole time that he's the reason it happened, that the little egg floating around my uterus saw him and decided this was a good world to be born into. So, yes: September 25 would be an amazing day for Lentl to be born, and I don't know if it's possible but I'm definitely going to ask about it when the time comes.

Finally: this baby moves SO. MUCH. SO MUCH!!!

Things not related to pregnancy:

My dad invited me over and I could tell he Wanted To Talk so I was extremely anxious, but it turns out he had good news: he and his girlfriend (whom I like a lot) are getting married. :D :D :D

Took a small break from Elementary, but now I'm hooked on it again.

My big fic project is coming along very slowly, mostly because the time I could spend working on it is usually spent napping or playing a dumb game on my phone or watching Elementary or just lying in bed staring at the dog, etc.

I'm now done working, and it's about a month before I start going back to school, and that means I'm slowly but surely losing my fucking mind just like I do every summer when I have nothing to do and absolutely no disposable income to distract me from the fact that I have nothing to do. Eventually I'm gonna have to start going to the doctor twice a week and honestly I can't wait.

Ummmmmmmm I think that's it. It's been a rough couple of days but I continue to be mostly okay. I hope you are all also doing well. <3<3<3<3<3


Jul. 16th, 2017 10:38 pm
kinoface: (☾:Usagi: ehhh!?)
29 weeks! That means 11 weeks to go! Yikes!!!!!

I gotta say: gestational diabetes is a pain in the ass. WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT? complaints complaints complaints )

OTHER THAN THAT, I'm tired a lot and my hips hurt like crazy and I've got some gnarly stretch marks on my stomach. Also my hair is thicker and my nails grow faster. Also I feel huge but people constantly tell me I look really small for seven months, so??? Also here is a list of things I cannot wait to eat again:

→ a salami sandwich
→ runny eggs
→ a cold beer
→ smoked salmon on a bagel

... Anyway.

Been watching a lot of Elementary. Like A LOT. It's really fun and I'm enjoying it a lot.

I have been to the dentist a lot recently and all of the appointments have been fine except for one which was the only one not with my usual dentist and, whether this is coincidental or not, it was terrible in every way and the teeth in question still hurt which is impressive particularly because they didn't actually hurt before the appointment and I have some regret-like feelings of dread that I'm going to move on from now okay yes good.

About to start my last week of work, which is bad because that means no more money but is good because I am feeling very tired and overwhelmed recently, so more me time sounds like a great idea.

I'm working on a fic thing and it's a big project and I am planning on finishing it by Jun's birthday but we'll see.

... This is a very complainy post but overall I'm doing pretty okay. It's just that the frustrating things are really, really frustrating. I'm going to end this post now but I love you all!!!


Jun. 26th, 2017 09:03 pm
kinoface: (☾:Ami: well actually...)
→ 26 weeks, aka six and a half months, aka SO CLOSE YET SO FAR??

→ I think the last time I posted we were worrying about possible abnormalities, but since then we've gone to a fancy diagnostic place where the doctor did his fancy ultrasound stuff and told us there's no evidence of anything abnormal. VERY, VERY GOOD NEWS. GOOD JOB DEVELOPING NORMALLY, LENTL!!

→ My own body, however, is doing less good. It turns out that I do have gestational diabetes. Pretty much all the women on my mom's side of the family have had it, so it was basically inevitable that I would get it, which sucks, but whatever. Now I have to poke myself four times a day to measure my blood sugar, and I have to write down and time everything I eat, and certain things I can only have at certain times of the day... It's a hassle. WORTH IT, of course, because it is for my and Lentl's health, but still kind of a pain. Right now I'm struggling with figuring out what to eat before bed to ensure that my waking-up numbers aren't too high, which they have been for the last week and a half. If I can't find a way to get them down, I might have to start taking medicine, and I really really don't want to do that, so... fingers crossed! My current theory is that I just need a ton of protein, so tonight I'm gonna try a peanut butter sandwich and a hard-boiled egg. FINGERS CROSSED.

→ Have been tutoring, and it's been going well. I missed it.

→ However: today I had my last appointment with a private tutoring student, but I will still be tutoring in the writing lab, and all of this is a bit of a relief because I was starting to get slightly overwhelmed with having to go out into the world every single day. Now I will only have to go out into the world on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then whenever my various one million appointments are. I definitely need to have SOME kind of going-out obligation, because otherwise I will lie in bed forever and waste away, but I am getting to a point energy-wise where every day is a little too much. Also, moving around is becoming more and more difficult as I get bigger and bigger. My tummy now sticks out past my boobs, which I assure you is a milestone, and I've definitely started waddling.

→ We think we have a name!!! I don't want to share it yet because it's not for sure, but we both find ourselves using it instead of Lentl sometimes, and I think it feels right to both of us. :D

→ FANDOM THINGS: NinoEx!!! Performance (that I haven't watched yet but have downloaded and am looking forward to)!!!! Nino's haircut is glorious!!! Ohno is glorious!!!! They are all glorious!!!! GLORIOUS!!!!

→ I think ... that is it. That is my life: being pregnant (which takes up so much more time than I previously thought) with brief interludes for work and fandom. Life!!


Jun. 2nd, 2017 06:22 pm
kinoface: (嵐:Ohmiya)
Pregnancy things. )

Non-spoilery Arashi thoughts, with possible spoilery thoughts to follow in a later post once I've finished watching everything: THEY ARE WONDERFUL AND I LOVE THEM, AND BOTH OF THOSE ARE UNDERSTATEMENTS.

NinoEx thoughts: Dear god I need to be busy writing this weekend. I NEED TO BE.

School thoughts: All my grades are in and I got a 4.0 which makes me so happy I could scream because pulling it off while dragging my way through the first trimester was no easy feat. My only regret is that I took the credit/no credit option for my GE course so that I could slack off a little but I ended up getting 92% anyway so I might as well have just gone with a letter grade and boosted my GPA, but oh well!

Work thoughts: I'm returning to the Writing Lab for the summer (♥!), and I also picked up another student via a tutoring company that's paying me $22/hour, holy crap. It's only for four weeks (or at least, the one student I'm tutoring will only need me for four weeks, but it's possible that I'll pick up other students in that time or afterwards) but we're meeting for six hours a week so that's a hefty chunk of change, which is good because we REALLY need it right now.

Ummmm I think that's everything. OFF TO TRY AND WORK ON NINOEX.


Apr. 10th, 2017 10:01 am
kinoface: (☾:Ami: well actually...)
→ Fifteen weeks and officially into my second trimester!! Lentl is healthy and moves around a lot although I can't feel it yet. And it happened for the first time: the other day someone looked at me and asked, "Are you expecting?"

→ I should find out the sex next month, which is exciting to me even though it's not going to change how I treat or raise this kid. I just want to know everything there is to know because when it comes to finding things out, I am an extremely impatient person!!!

→ My energy is slowly starting to come back. I still get winded very easily, but I don't wake up tired anymore, which is a nice change. I'm also feeling a lot less nauseous. I haven't thrown up even once this whole time, thank sparkle, but I was queasy pretty much constantly, and now I only feel like that if I go way too long without eating. I'm also not getting lightheaded as much, but instead I get really nasty headaches all the time (though switching pillows has helped a lot) and really bad heartburn, and also my goddamn hips hurt. All normal pregnancy stuff.

→ Cravings and aversions have both settled down, and so has my pickiness, though there are some things I still just don't find appealing even if they didn't bother me before. I also still feel like my senses of smell and taste are stronger than they were pre-pregnancy, so it's kind of like ... I don't have those cravings or aversions that seem to come out of nowhere -- at least not as much as I did -- but my palette has definitely changed. My current favorite thing to eat is a toasted bagel topped with butter, mustard, and grilled sandwich meat. The bread and butter and meat all have these nice mellow flavors and then the mustard adds this bit of tanginess to it, and I never would have paid attention to that kind of thing before but now I just can't enjoy it unless the amount of mustard is exactly right. It feels very weird, but it has its pros and cons; on one hand, I don't enjoy a lot of the food I used to, so that's a bummer, but on the other hand, I feel like I now get more enjoyment out of the food I do enjoy. So, hey, not complaining.

→ INB's mom is making me crazy. Every symptom I mention, every slight change in the way my body looks, is apparently an indicator of some characteristic the baby is going to have. For instance, the other day I told her about my heartburn and she insisted that means the baby is going to be super hairy. This kind of shit bugs me endlessly but I try to let it go because I know some people think it's fun or whatever, but what really pisses me off is that I say stuff like "oh well the doctor said it's normal, the progesterone makes a lot of things relax including your esophagus so it's easier for stomach acid to work its way up" and then she ROLLS HER EYES and looks at me like I'm a goddamn idiot for believing that nonsense. Really?? Really????? I'm tempted to keep a journal of all the predictions she makes so I can laugh about it later as I tear up the pages and throw them in a fire, because I'm a petty bitch.

→ Anyway.

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