kinoface: (! el señor esqueleto)
♥kino ([personal profile] kinoface) wrote2017-08-03 09:23 am

(no subject)

I know it seems like all I do is complain about gestational diabetes, but that's because it's taken over my whole life, yay.

I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is check my blood sugar, which is inevitably and immediately followed by disappointment because it's not where it's supposed to be. So disappointment is how I start my day. Then, I have to eat every 2-3 hours, so the entire rest of my day is planned around that. For dinner I have the exact same thing every night -- vegetables with some kind of meat all tossed together in a skillet -- because it's quick and easy and nutritious, but now I'm starting to suspect that even the carbs in the vegetables are too much. It's one thing to chop up some meat and throw it into a skillet with a shit ton of veggies that will help me feel full; it's another thing entirely to prepare a whole meal that's just protein, especially when I only have access to the kitchen for short periods of time, and especially when it's so fucking hot that the last thing I want to do is turn on the oven or stand over the grill or have a crockpot or other heat-producing device running all fucking day, and especially when I'm so tired and so depressed that even getting up to throw a bag of veggies into the microwave and then toss them around in a skillet with some meat is almost too much. So making that change is something I'm not really looking forward to figuring out. Then I have to find some magical bedtime snack that has the perfect fairytale balance of carbs and protein to keep my sugar nice and level while I'm sleeping. I've been doing this for months and I still don't know which snacks work for me because some of them work some of the time and not other times, from which the only conclusion I can draw is that I have to control the rest of the day's food even more tightly so that I won't be confused by the variables. Did I mention how fucking difficult it is to stick to an extremely strict eating schedule when you're exhausted and depressed and have a million appointments to go to that are all scheduled at different times?

Then I get to go to sleep, but all night I toss and turn and have anxiety dreams about checking my blood and wake up worrying if I missed the alarm to check my blood.

Everyone tells me, "Don't stress about it! If you have to take medicine to control your sugar, that's okay! :)" but I am taking medicine and it's not helping.

Also did I mention the possibility that the insulin I'm taking at night -- I'm now up to 18 units; I started at 10 -- is causing my blood sugar to crash while I'm sleeping, leading to a rebound high in the morning? So the insulin could actually be hurting, but all the doctors do is look at my numbers and tell me they're not low enough and that I need more insulin. There is a dietitian I can see but she's full of shit and all she did was tell me things like "have you tried eating at the exact same time every single day" and show me plastic food so I know what portion sizes look like even though my post-meal numbers are literally perfect at this point. Everyone else I speak to about it tells me things like "don't worry so much" or "just lie" or "try this one meal you can't afford" or they just give me advice that doesn't actually apply to the specific thing I'm struggling with but they think they're an expert on it because they looked at the internet for five minutes or they're just telling me what their friend with diabetes does to deal with a completely different problem.

So I feel like a fucking idiot who can't figure out this one thing and no one can help me and all I want is one day where I don't cry out of frustration.

So now I have this huge list of different snacks and strategies to try, but there are so many variables that I feel like I'm never going to find the thing that works for me. What if it only works if I have dinner by a certain time? What if it only works if I lower my insulin dosage by a certain amount?

At this point I don't even care what I have to do. Whatever it is, I'll do it. I just want to know that that's what I'm supposed to be doing. But I don't know, and nothing works, and every day I cry about it and want to just lie down on the floor and take a bunch of melatonin to make me sleep because I don't feel like eating or being awake anymore, and the last time I felt that way I was straight-up suicidal, so it just isn't a great feeling to have.

Also did I mention that at 8 months pregnant I now weigh less than I did before?

It's easy to say things like "don't stress so much" or "be nicer to yourself" or "it's not that big of a deal" but nothing has ever driven my anxiety through the roof as much as feeling stupid, and right now I feel like the stupidest person in the world.

So, yeah. It's not that everything is terrible. It's just that this one terrible thing is my whole life now.

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