Nov. 23rd, 2016 10:44 pm
kinoface: (! el señor esqueleto)
What is life.

→ School is going good and I am tired and busy all the time and my brain is slowly turning to mush but I only have two more weeks of regular class sessions, and then finals, and then done!! By some stroke of divine luck, my finals are spread out so I only have one per week. Ridiculous.

→ Driving is good. Captain, my beloved blue Hyundai, is good. Driving down the freeway listening to Arashi at outrageously high volumes... very good.

→ Thanksgiving............ Idk. I have no unhappy feelings about it, I just don't care about it. If I could, I would just stay in bed all day. When people ask, "So, any big plans for Turkey Day?", my instinct is to respond with "Well it's a holiday I will always associate with missing my mom so I prefer to ignore it" but I guess that would be kinda rude.

→ Dear god, that reminds me: I had One Of Those Conversations the other day. Earlier in the semester, in my Lit Theory class, we were reading a novel in which the main character's mother dies and as we were discussing his bizarro personality I pointed out that maybe his super flat, bordering-on-sociopathic behavior has to do with, you know, HIS MOM DYING, since that's definitely how I lived life for a few years after it happened to me -- and I know this information stuck with my teacher because on a later date, he was going over all the theories we'd discussed so far and he mentioned, "And also I remember Hannah saying 'well it sucks when your mom dies'"... AND THEN the week after the election, I stuck around after class for unrelated reasons and we ended up talking about politics and I said something about how my mom used to get super excited about elections and he asked if she still does AND AS HE WAS SAYING IT, I COULD SEE THE REALIZATION DAWN ON HIS FACE, IT WAS A FULL-BODY MOMENT OF REGRET, HE LITERALLY SAT DOWN AND LOOKED HORRIFIED and I just brushed it off with something like "my dad doesn't get as into it as she did" and he just like stuttered for a second and then said "yes, well, may she rest in peace," OF ALL THINGS, BLESS HIS HEART, but it came out like that was the only thought in his head and he hated himself for saying it. I FELT SO BAD? LIKE I WANTED TO SAY HOLY SHIT I'M SORRY FOR HAVING CREATED AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE KIND OF SHAME YOU ARE CLEARLY EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW, I PROMISE IT'S OKAY, it was just so awkward and painful. (But not as painful as my last semester at Delta when I ran into an old professor/mentor who met my mom when she was sick and as we were talking the subject of parents came up [because of something a student had written] and he mentioned my mom [with zero prompting from me] and he LITERALLY STARTED CRYING. LITERALLY CRYING!!!! Anyway thank you, English professors of the world, for reminding me why I usually avoid talking about my mom in public.)

→ Speaking of feelings: I miss H so much. I don't have words to describe it, or at least not words that I want to share here. But it's a lot, and it hurts, and "I hope he visits soon" is a massive understatement.

→ On a completely unrelated note: ARASHI. I AM HAPPY. YES. GOOD.

→ I don't really know what else to say here. I've been trying to write a post for months but there's just not a whole lot going on, or, alternately, the things that are going on feel completely overshadowed by how busy I am with school. Taking three lit classes in one semester is no joke. But I miss you all very much. Very, very, very much. ♥

Interlude:

Jul. 28th, 2016 05:14 am
kinoface: (☾:Ami: well actually...)
- Was exhausted all day and now I can't sleep. What is life.

- Not pregnant yet. Starting to worry about some things, but I guess it hasn't really been long enough for that worry to be reasonable.

- Starting at CSU Stan next month. Was terrified, then terrified and kind of excited, then mostly excited and only kind of terrified, then just excited, and now impatient. I start in a month and I might go crazy before then.

- One super obnoxious thing: I need to get my driver's license, and we need to buy a car. I have come to terms with this, and the money will be fine. But I didn't realize that the DMV no longer takes walk-ins for the written permit test, so now I have an appointment on the 10th just to get my permit and then school starts two weeks after that, and although I am confident in my ability to be comfortable behind the wheel in that time, I am ZERO PERCENT confident in my ability to get an appointment for the driving test within that time. I can't schedule it without my permit, so my plan is to go in on the 10th, pass the test, and then immediately make a behind-the-wheel appointment and PRAY that I can get one before the 24th... and if not, I have to find a way to get to school for the first week or two weeks or however long it'll take. This is weirdly impossible via public transportation, which still fucking boggles my mind, but I've checked over and over and over again. Sooo anyway that's definitely not a stressful thing that has been on my mind!!!

- Since I haven't been a full-time student in about ten years, I decided to not work next semester so I can focus on transitioning back into it. I don't know if I'll be back after that -- it depends on how well I can handle a full course load and how well we can make it on our combined financial aid, since INB is also going to school full-time -- but my boss, who is basically my second mom at this point, got really emotional when I told her. She threw me a party on my last day, cried a lot, and bought me a shirt that said "Delta Mustang for Life" and got everyone to sign it. I love her and them and the Writing Lab so, so much.

- We are fully moved into our tiny home. It's a little cramped, mostly because we haven't put shelves up yet, and also the wifi is shit, but otherwise it's been great.

- Towards the end of the semester, I got a really bad sore throat but brushed it off and kept pushing my voice until I couldn't deal with the pain anymore and called the nurse hotline at like three in the morning on a Saturday and was advised to go to urgent care ASAP since it could be strep. Turns out it wasn't strep, but my tonsils were horrifically infected. Awesome. Was put on a ten-day course of antibiotics and then a week later had what was an ultimately harmless but incredibly uncomfortable allergic reaction. I've never been allergic to anything and I gotta say: it fucking sucks. I was covered in hives from head to toe. LITERALLY HEAD TO TOE. FROM MY SCALP ALL THE WAY TO MY FINGERS AND TOES AND EVERY FUCKING INCH IN BETWEEN. So I got taken off the antibiotics a few days early and was given Prednisone and now finally, finally, my skin is clearing up and the itching is mostly gone, and I was worried that stopping the antibiotics would bring the infection back but it's been a few days and my throat hasn't hurt at all, so overall I am relieved.

- Watched the first season of Supergirl and REALLY, REALLY liked it. It's pretty silly but it's so good about so many things and there are so many wonderful ladies and it just made me really happy. Cut for spoilers in case that is necessary. )

- I need more Arashi in my life: fact. Been feeling really disconnected from fandom for various reasons (none of which have to do with my feelings of love, which are as strong as ever) and it's kinda bumming me out. I think this means I need to start rewatching everything on my hard drive until our wifi is reliable enough to download new things, and also that I need to add a bunch of Arashi blogs to my tumblr dash for the rare moments when I can actually get it to load.



WELP, I took a melatonin about an hour ago so I guess I will try once again to fall asleep.

Interlude:

Apr. 16th, 2016 02:25 pm
kinoface: (! el señor esqueleto)
Things!!

→ Finished my six-week motivation project, which was pretty successful! My nails, then and now: 4 images )

→ Cut my hair! 1 picture )

→ Was given this incredible picture of my mom, taken when she was twenty-four years old, now framed and hanging on my wall: 1 picture )

→ Got a tattoo!!! 1 picture ) Some thoughts about the tattoo and about the experience of getting it. )

→ Not pregnant yet but still trying. :D



Anyway so those are the current life and times of kinoface. I miss you guys!

Interlude:

Feb. 18th, 2016 09:15 pm
kinoface: (嵐:きっと NO REASON!)
→ Update on previously mentioned thing, part 1: Almost done with week 2 of my project and so far it's going great! It's been a nice reward for doing the things I was already doing and want to maintain, and a great motivator for the things I hadn't been doing but wanted to get back into. I've also been making changes as I go from week to week; I changed a few things on week 1 after my three-day practice round, and I changed a few more things on week 2 after week 1. For instance, now that I've gotten better at drinking water (helped by my new, beautiful, Juntoshi-colored water bottle!!), I'm trying to get even better, so I added a new line for finishing a second bottle and an even more valuable line for finishing a third bottle... which I have yet to achieve, BUT I'LL KEEP ON TRYIN (KEEP ON TRYIN~). If anyone is curious, here's what my (FANCY COLOR-CODED) spreadsheet for week 2 looks like. (For some inexplicable reason, I can't get the pictures to embed?? Maybe this has something to do with Google's shift from Picasa to Photos, since I always used Picasa before??? Anyway, here is a link!)

As you can see, I did fuck up one of my nails on Monday, ugh. It was one of those (now rare) instances where I didn't have my clipper with me and I found a little snag and I just couldn't leave it alone. Ugh ugh ugh. But it was just one and I felt like shit afterwards so um I will probably remember that the next time I think about doing it. Otherwise I've been REALLY good about leaving them alone and/or taking care of snags the appropriate way.

After two weeks of not fucking with them other than that, here's what they look like: 1 2 They're still super short, but you can see that they're growing back. You can also see where my cuticles are still messed up, but moisturizing every day has helped a lot. Trust me, they were torn and bleeding and horrific two weeks ago. Anyway, fighting!!

→ Update on previously mentioned thing, part 2: OPERATION: GROW A HUMAN FROM SCRATCH IS OFFICIALLY UNDERWAY. I had my last adult beverage last weekend, have cut my caffeine intake to one cup of coffee in the morning, have started taking prenatal pills, and ... have been doing other things involved with making a baby. :D TMI spoiler alert: yuck ) Unrelated to gross sex things, we've been hotly debating possible names. I have been saying Aviv for years and INB has been shooting it down for years, the other day my Israeli friend said "What about Avi?", INB said "......okay I can do that, why don't you think about some names Avi could be a nickname for that AREN'T Aviv," and I may have sold him on Javier. (Javi is also a super-cute nickname so it's a win/win.) Of course the truth is that if we have a boy, everyone is going to call him Levi anyway so we might as well go with that, which INB half-jokingly (only half!!) agrees with. I'm hopeful. :D (We are still aggressively undecided on girl names, so it's a good thing we have plenty of time to work it out.)

Also, as I was saying to INB the other day, the possibility of (intentionally) becoming pregnant is a really good motivator to take care of my body. If it's just for me, I'll do something for a little while and then eventually peter off, but now that it's for another human being, who doesn't even exist yet but whom I could irreparably damage if I don't do what I'm supposed to do... With great power etc etc.

→ Possibly-mentioned-in-passing thing: Here is a selfie for three reasons.

Reason 1: to show off my make-up, which I've recently been getting more and more into. It started with a little bb cream, which graduated to bb cream + sealing powder, and is now just bb powder because my skin is just too goddamn oily for the cream. But I'm really in love with the powder. It makes a ridiculous difference. Also: eyeliner is fun! I got several compliments on it this weekend. :D

Reason 2: to show off my low-key Sailor Venus cosplay. Orange shirt with blue accents! Artemis pin! I wore the white rose earrings to match Artemis but if I'd been really thinking about it I would have worn my little heart-shaped earrings instead. Next time! I will also see if I have any red things I can put in my hair.

Reason 3: to show off my new green lip ring yessss. By "new" I mean that it came in a four-pack I bought last year as a birthday present to myself but since then I've only worn the black ones. But then I lost all the black barbells because I'm a winner. I was a little hesitant about this one at first because it's such a light, pop-y green, but now that I've been wearing it for a while I love it, IT'S SO GREAT.

→ Other things: A) Spent Galentine's Day weekend with elfie, captain-snen from Tumblr, and my childhood Israeli friend -- not all at the same time. Israeli friend and I spent a glorious day in San Francisco which included a ridiculously tasty dinner at a French Creole restaurant. Good goddamn. B) I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but this semester I'm working in a classroom again!! Aaahh it's been so many years and I've missed it. C) In an ever-growing sea of mediocre sushi places, Stockton FINALLY has a ramen place!!! INB and I went today and it was so fucking good. D) Brownie is doing great. She still breathes a little funny (like, I don't think there's anything wrong, she just sounda kinda snorty when she lies upside down, also she snores so fucking loud it's amazing) but otherwise she's completely fine. Like what kind of dog gets hit in the face by a car and only manages to chip a tooth and snore loudly?? E) I've had a Tim Drake Funko Pop figure for years, but I recently added a Burt Ward Robin and a Nightwing to my collection asldkjhsajdh which means the only Funko Pop Robin I'm missing is the Teen Titans Go version!!! SO OF COURSE FUNKO POP WENT AND RELEASED A LINE OF SAILOR MOON FIGURES. This news is emotionally wonderful and financially troublesome. Also I found my Balthier and Delita gashapon, aaahhh!!! I seriously thought they were with my Sailor Moon gashapon, so now the mystery is: where the fuck are my Sailor Moon gashapon?!

→ Irresponsible thing: By writing this post I have been hardcore avoiding work. Adulting!

Interlude:

Feb. 5th, 2016 06:19 pm
kinoface: (☾:Ami: well actually...)
My nails are hideous right now, just so bad, and it's been bothering me for weeks but yesterday I got really freaked out about it while I was tutoring and writing a bunch of things down, because it's like ... they're not just short, or kinda raggedy -- they look gross and they're in such bad shape that they hurt.

For those of you with whom I have not talked about this before: my gross nails are a source of some serious grade-A anxiety for me. The tl;dr version is that I fuck with them when I'm bored and then I get really self-conscious about them and then I fuck with them more because I'm nervous and then that makes me even more nervous and it just goes on forever until I eventually, somehow, manage to leave them alone long enough to let them heal and grow back.

Except right now I just can't stop fucking with them. They got so bad that I even bought some acrylics a few weeks back, for the first time in so many years, but I'd just pick those off too. I've decided so many times, "Okay, this is the day I start taking care of them again!!" but it never works. So yesterday I sat down and started thinking really hard about how I can motivate myself to actually do it. I had a few ideas to start with, and then I kept tweaking those ideas and adding to them as I thought about more and more things I need to be better at (especially now that we're planning on growing a human from scratch), and what I finally ended up with was a six-week plan.

* I came up with a list of things I want to keep doing to take care of myself (like brushing my teeth, actually making food instead of just snacking indefinitely when I'm legit hungry, etc) and gave each of those things a monetary value. Things that are really easy are only worth like five cents, but things that are really hard (like DRINKING WATER? why is drinking water so fucking hard for me) are worth more. Every time I do one of those things (including multiple times in the same day), I add that value to my running total.

* I wanted to motivate myself to do good things rather than punish myself for doing bad things (because I know I'll just get demoralized by a bunch of punishments) but I did add two things that I really, REALLY don't want to do: getting fewer than four hours of sleep before work is minus fifty cents, and picking at my nails is minus a dollar.

* For each week, my goal is to have added $5 to my total. So it should be $5 at the end of week one, $10 at the end of week two, etc. If I meet those goals, I'll give myself little rewards, all of which I've planned in advance: a new shade of lip gloss, some slightly nicer eyeliner, etc. (I deliberately chose small, trivial things, not things like new shoes or a new bra, because I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm like "Well I fucked up so I'm not allowed to have this thing I actually need!!") If I don't meet the weekly goal, I don't get the reward, but I still take the amount I earned (whatever it is) and add it to the overall total.

* I also added a "bonus round" which includes important shit I want (but don't want) to do. This list doesn't include work-related things or other stuff that I'm gonna have to do anyway, like dishes or laundry or whatever, but it does include things that I really SHOULD do even though I really really really don't want to, like: make an appointment to see an OBGYN??? OH GOD I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT, but I guess it's maybe kinda important if I'm going to try to grow a child in my body. So there are various things on this to-do list and they have varying values, but the really scary ones are really valuable.

* My overall goal is to earn $30 by the end of the six weeks. I've planned a bigger reward for the end, so if I do get the $30, I get that big reward!! But even if I don't get the big reward, I get to take whatever amount I have earned and spend it on whatever I want. So even if I don't get The Big Reward, I'll still be rewarding myself for making the effort and sticking to the plan even if I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to.


I think this plan is pretty generous, because I get something out of it no matter what, but that's kind of the point: the only way I'll be really demoralized and tempted to give up / never do it again is if I REALLY fail and just keep fucking up my nails anyway. Instead of fighting with or berating myself, I'll be able to add little things here and there and fill out my little chart and actually feel genuinely, happily motivated to do this thing that I want to do anyway but am struggling with.

Right now we're actually really good with money (not like Livin Rich or anything, but even after paying rent this month we'll have like $1500??? this is amazing and wonderful) so I feel comfortable with $30 + a big reward, but if I do this kind of thing again in the future it'll probably be something smaller. But this works for now and I am happy and grateful.

Re: the chart: I spent a lot of time yesterday trying to figure out how to keep track of all of this -- playing around on Habit RPG, setting up notebooks in Evernote, etc -- but I finally was like YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE EXCEL FOR THIS. So I created a huge color-coded spreadsheet on Google (super awesome because that means I can access it on my phone too) and set it up to like automatically fill in the totals and shit. It's pretty impressive if I do say so myself. :D

Interlude:

Jan. 18th, 2016 06:49 pm
kinoface: (嵐: frolicking)
Trading posts with phrenk!! Here is hers!! (I am also visiting phrenk! More on this in a later post [possibly]!) For now!!:

A list of favorite solos, ranked, five per member,
as of this exact moment with no accounting for future emotions,
chosen BY FEELING (Jun style),

by kinoface

SERIOUS BUSINESS. )

THIS WAS VERY HARD BUT VERY ENJOYABLE (INSERT DIRTY JOKE HERE). I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ANY THOUGHTS YOU MIGHT HAVE ON THIS MATTER, INCLUDING YOUR OWN RANKINGS IN THIS OR ANY OTHER CATEGORY!!

Interlude:

Dec. 31st, 2015 12:41 am
kinoface: (嵐:きっと NO REASON!)
FIC ROUND-UP 2015!!!

Fics I wrote this year, in order of date posted:

follow the shadow (Vixx, Leo/Hongbin - 1,925)
Until the Sun Comes Up (Jun/Sho - 9,108)
for nino_exchange: Chocolate Disco (Kazetrio - 12,945)
for nino_exchange: Go-Getter (Nino/Sho - 5,173)
for je_fqfest: At Your Service (Nino/Jun - 6,965)
for je_fqfest: Play Cops & Robbers (Aiba/Ohno - 5,261)
Make Me (Aiba/Nino - 2,264)
for kitto_slutparty: Taboo (Sho/everyone - 8,780)

Plus this Modelpair fic that I wrote years ago but finally posted -- which, oddly enough, is also a thing that happened last year.

→ Eight new fics with a total word count of 52,421. Same amount of fics as last year, but the word count is about 20k higher!

→ Last year I wrote almost all AUs, but this year it was an even split between AU and non-AU. And two of the AUs were pretty standard (office workers, porn shop) and the other two were super wacky (magic and fantasy creatures!).

→ Wrote a Nino Ex pinch hit again (YESSS), and once again it was more than twice as long as my actual fic. Why I do this??

→ A decent assortment of pairings! When I finished Kitto Ex, I had an idea in my had of writing all ten pairings by the end of the year, but then I got suuuuper swamped with work and couldn't make it happen. Still pretty good though!

→ I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT HALF OF THESE FICS DO NOT INCLUDE JUN. WHY AM I PROUD OF THIS. But also half of them do include Aiba, which I'm happy about because last year I feel like I didn't write him nearly enough. Go team!

→ Once again, most of these were for exchanges or memes. Funnily enough, the two that weren't are both about top drop. The Leo/Hongbin fic was kind of spur of the moment, and the Jun/Sho one was something that had been sitting on my hard drive for many years -- it was one of the very first fics I tried to write in this fandom -- before I finally figured out what it was missing to make it work.

→ Favorite fics: Until the Sun Comes Up, which I worked on forever and which is about something really important to me, and At Your Service, purely for sexy reasons. :D

→ My 2015 writing goals were to write at least as many words as I had the previous year (done), write Sakuraiba (done as part of a Sho/everyone fic but not on its own), write more Juntoshi (SOMEHOW, SADLY, NO?!?!?) or at least more non-Matsumiya pairings (yes), and to write at least one new fandom (done). 3.5 out of 5 isn't bad I guess!

→ 2016 WRITING GOALS: Actually write Sakuraiba! Actually write Juntoshi! Write all ten pairings. Write at least three fics that are just things I want to write, not for an exchange or meme.

→ IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED: Ask a question about a character, pairing, world, or fic I wrote in 2015 and I'll answer it, OR pick a selection from one of my 2015 fics and I'll do some DVD-style commentary on it.

Interlude:

Dec. 4th, 2015 09:14 pm
kinoface: (嵐:Ohmiya)
Once again, this will be a mix of thoughts I've been trying to put together since ... basically my last post. LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.

→ I have been extremely busy with work. It's sort of mind-boggling.

→ Brownie hurt herself Thanksgiving night. Apparently (I wasn't here when it happened) she was roughhousing with Bernadette outside when she fell off of something and sliced herself open right underneath her left arm. It was pretty gnarly, but we've been giving her pup painkillers and keeping her clean and keeping her inside, and she's doing just fine. This dog is always finding new ways to hurt herself and make me crazy, the end.

Sex stuff. )

→ Fallout!!! War never changes, but video game franchises do. )

→ I have also begun planning out an intense seven-part Arashi Fallout AU, dear sparkle. Right now I have over 5000 words of notes organized in a color-coded Word document complete with a table of contents. If I actually write it, it could easily reach 50k, it'll probably be gen and will definitely have lots of ghouls, and it'll venture just far enough into character death territory that I'll have to puzzle out some appropriate tags for it, so I've already resigned myself to maybe three people reading it. These are the choices I have made for myself and I'm sticking with them.

→ Since I never flailed about it here: JAPONISM!!! )

→ Got a desperately needed pair of new glasses, yay!

→ I lasted three whole months without fucking up my nails: possibly a new record. Then one of them got a little chip that I tried really hard to take care of but it just kind of snowballed. Now back to square one. OH WELL, that three months is giving me strength.

→ Applied to a CSU, eeehhhh?? I applied for some UCs last year and got accepted into a few of them, but in the end I realized that trying to move and go to school full-time in a new city was just an outrageous pipe dream, but this CSU is within easy commuting distance so the most difficult thing will be for me to, UGH, get my license and be comfortable driving on my own?? Typing this makes me want to vomit but I also realize in my brain that it's achievable, despite all the times I have said "I would rather move to an entirely new city that has good public transportation than start driving." I MEAN, THAT IS STILL TRUE; IN MY HEART THAT IS DEFINITELY MY PREFERRED OPTION. But I guess if I could always go with my preferred option my life would be a lot different, wouldn't it?

→ Other than planning out a post-apocalyptic epic, my current relationship with writing can be summed up with the word "meh." Right around the time I finished Kitto, I had all these aspirations about writing all ten pairs by the end of the year, but then I got busy with work and now I'm just so drained. Currently I'm in one of those of those moods where I really want to write something, but literally nothing in my WIP folder seems accessible or interesting to me right now, and I can't seem to come up with anything new that's accessible or interesting either. And by "accessible" I mean something I can see myself planning, writing, and completing within a few days, not, y'know, a post-apocalyptic epic. Writing is a mystery, y'all.

→ And now for something completely different: MY SISTER, THE OLDEST ONE, NOT HOVERSPARKLE'S MOM, IS PREGNANT??? I FOUND OUT ON INSTAGRAM, WHICH KIND OF SHOWS YOU THE RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE, BUT ALSO I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR HER AND HOPE IT IS THE HEALTHIEST MOST GOOD-NATURED KID AND THAT I CAN VISIT THEM ONE DAY. Also this kid's birthday, if my math is correct, will be some time around mine. THAT'S COOL WITH ME, KID! I AM HAPPY TO SHARE WITH YOU!!!




Okay, I think that's everything for now. I LOVE YOU GUYS! MISS YOU! HOPE YOU'RE KEEPING WARM!

Interlude:

Oct. 26th, 2015 10:52 am
kinoface: (嵐:きっと NO REASON!)
→ Threw out my back, had to miss two days of work, everything was terrible. Since then have been better about stretching and have been trying to be better about posture, although ironically trying to take better care of my lower back makes my upper back/shoulders hurt more. Whatevs.

→ Also, my boss made me welcome-back cookies. ♥

→ Um it's mid-October and still getting up to like 95 degrees in the afternoon. I feel like this is a bit extreme even for Central California. < I've been trying to write this post for weeks and now it's finally cooled down enough for sweaters!!!!

→ Though I enjoy my work way more now that I'm not working for an unreasonable person (and the further away I get, the more I realize just how unreasonable she really was), I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and not-work with varying levels of success. It's a process. I'm doing better work, but it's still a lot of work, and sometimes, when I'm taking a break or when I've actually gotten caught up, I feel like... I've forgotten how to have free time? Like it feels really weird and a little unsettling to not have any work to do. The other day I actually found myself thinking, "Wow, I have three days with absolutely no work to do, hmmmm" and then a teacher texted me to say she had about thirty papers for me and my first reaction was "Oh thank god." Idk, man.

→ I also feel like I've forgotten how to write something that's not for an exchange. How do I make a story happen without a set of someone else's hopes, desires, likes and dislikes to guide me???? Words???????

→ To try and fill the little pockets of workless time in my schedule, I've been reading (mostly nonfiction), watching stuff (recently finished Dark Matter which is great, also we are re-watching the original Star Wars trilogy), speculating about possible Robins in the new DC movies (for sure Jason exists in some capacity and that makes me want to scream), reading other people speculate about Fallout 4 (I doubt I will love it as much as New Vegas but I'm sure I will love it at least as much as Skyrim), absorbing way too much nicotine as I practice blowing rings (the trick is to use the back of your throat without moving your tongue, who knew), and daydreaming about all the things I'm going to buy when we have money (but probably will not actually buy any of them).

→ Unrelated: Japonism? JAPONISM. SO GOOD. YES.

→ Semi-related: I'VE BEEN OUT OF THE FANDOM LOOP DUE TO WORK, EXISTENTIAL AMBIGUITY, ETC., BUT LAST NIGHT PHRENK BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THE FACT THAT JUN FINALLY PARTED HIS HAIR ALL TO ONE SIDE!!!!!! When did he first get this haircut, like in April or something? I HAVE BEEN WAITING SIX MONTHS FOR THIS MOMENT. THANK YOU, MATSUJUN. I LOVE YOU TOO!!!



And now I am going to post this post and be done with it.

Interlude:

May. 17th, 2015 12:04 am
kinoface: (嵐: keep calm)
Sooo INB and I moved. Good and bad parts. Very stressful. We're in a good place with people we like, but we're paying more rent when I'm about to be making less money, so the next several months are going to be rough. We live with dogs, but not our dogs. I miss our dogs a lot. And on top of that, I have three jobs and I hate two of them so much that I want to tear my hair out, but I need the money. I feel frustrated and helpless -- I cried a lot today -- but I know things will turn out fine in the end. It's just... very stressful for now.

Pluses:

→ The dogs we do live with are sooo sweet. One's a pit mix and the other is a rottweiler and they're just so freaking wonderful.

→ We live with Larsmo again! Pretty sure it's destiny.

→ My new walk to the bus is really short, like four minutes.

→ This semester is almost over, thank fuck.

→ Tonight we all played spades and it was a lot of fun.

→ Wrote a fic! Basically 8,500 words of Jun/Sho porn. Just waiting to hear back from my second beta.

→ VSA 2015.04.24!!!! 10 caps beneath the cut. )

And now it's time for this kinoface to head to sleep.
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