Mar. 13th, 2017 01:09 pm
kinoface: (☾:Usagi: ehhh!?)
→ Currently in week 11. Lentl is lime-sized and has a full set of organs, plus a gelatinous skeleton and the beginnings of nails and hair. It's hard to tell when I'm upright, but when I'm lying flat on my back, I can feel where my tummy is starting to round out.

→ Last week I started panicking because my cramps were happening more frequently and, more importantly, my nausea and food aversions went away very suddenly. They're supposed to go away around 13 weeks but I was only 10 1/2, at which point it can be a sign that important pregnancy hormones aren't at the levels they should be, i.e. impending miscarriage, so I was getting really worried in the days leading up to my next appointment. The night before the appointment, I could barely sleep because I kept having the same nightmare over and over again. But I'm fine, and Lentl is fine, and I got to hear the heartbeat (!!!!), and the doctor explained that sometimes symptoms just go away for a while. And, of course, now they're back with a vengeance: was super nauseous last night, almost couldn't handle the mere sight of my dinner, am back to barely being able to keep my gingery prenatal pills down, etc. Good times.

→ Been getting a lot of headaches, probably due to dehydration. I've been buying juice boxes as a way to get more fluid but mostly I'm trying to drink more water. It's just so damn hard.

→ Speaking of things that are so damn hard: I MADE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT. UHHHH. I have an irrational and soul-sucking fear of going to the dentist. Like I sometimes have nightmares about all of my teeth falling out, and recently a friend of mine chipped one of his front teeth and I could barely look at him -- not because I was embarrassed of/for him or anything like that but because all I could think about was the thought of it happening to me and then having to deal with it. I realize that's pretty silly but what can you do!! Anyway I have a fucking toothache that I've been ignoring for a very long time but now that I have Lentl I don't want to risk getting an infection sfdksjdfhsjkfh so I CALLED AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE A DENTIST FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A DECADE OH MY GOD???? I feel like I'm gonna break out in hives just thinking about it, and the one thing keeping me together when I do think about it is that because I am pregnant, I'll only be doing what's absolutely necessary and everything else will be ignored indefinitely postponed until later. So. There's that.


→ New food aversions: anything is fair game at any given moment. I'm just so picky. Normally I'm not picky at all, but now I'll get super hungry and only one thing will sound at all appetizing and the thought of anything else makes me want to retch. My strategy has been to buy mostly shelf-stable and freezable things because otherwise maybe cucumbers or bananas or roasted chicken will sound great at the supermarket and then I get home and can't stand it for a week and it just goes bad, which sucks. Basically eating is a real mystery.

→ New food cravings: My one solace has been toasted sourdough with butter and strawberry jam, which is always good and which I am always in the mood for. Also JAPANESE FOOD!!!! I can't have raw fish which is fine (I mean it's okay or whatever) but I've been DREAMING about chicken katsu donburi and tempura vegetables and prawn and ume shiso maki and sunomono and sdflkjdshjfhlkjdf

→ School is much, much harder when I'm constantly fatigued and just want to lie down, but I'm gonna try and get some homework done now. BLERGH.


Feb. 25th, 2017 07:31 pm
kinoface: (嵐: frolicking)
Pregnancy things!!

→ Today I am nine weeks!! That means my little lentil is approximately the size of a cherry and I have created, from scratch, a full set of organs including a heart that's currently beating 165 times per minute. Next week I'll be making a skeleton. A SKELETON!!!!!

→ We are currently calling the baby Lentl, as in "lentil" -- the size it was when we found out -- but more Jewish.

→ Due date is September 30. Waah!! I keep joking that it's a month too late to be the Second Coming of MJ, but in all seriousness, I'm really happy about the possibility that this baby could be born on September 25, the day my mom died AS WELL AS the birthday of H, whom I finally got to see, after years of missing him intensely, on what I would later find out was the exact day this little egg attached itself to me and settled in for the long haul. I keep telling him he was the good luck charm, that little Lentl saw him and said "Yup, this seems like a good place to be," and to have this kiddo come into the world sharing a birthday with him would be amazing. So anyway I'm crossing my fingers!!

→ Food aversions so far: pho from a place I used to love, olives (too salty), ginger (just the taste/smell/thought of it makes me gag), pizza (gave me the worst heartburn I've had in my life, not touching it again), salad (but not vegetables, just ... salad), my prenatal pills unfortunately, anything I eat too much of which means I have to be real careful with foods I actually like

→ Food cravings so far: McDonald's burgers, potato salad, ketchup, sour cream, strawberry pancakes, cucumber sandwiches, Israeli-style bourekas

→ This morning:
sister in law: When you get further along and you start craving weird things --
INB: Oh, she's already there.
me: (pouring a mountain of shredded cheese over a hot dog) What do you mean?

→ Sometimes I'm queasy and nothing helps; sometimes I feel fine; sometimes I'm starving and two bites of something will make me feel like I've eaten an entire viking feast; sometimes the only thing that will make me not be hungry anymore is a literal viking feast. Every day is a different puzzle!!

→ Some days I'm so fatigued I can barely get out of bed, but mostly I'm okay, just tired as hell.

→ People say "The great thing about being pregnant is that you don't have to deal with your period for nine months!" and they never mention that you get what feel like pre-period cramps every fucking day as your uterus grows.

→ I haven't really started showing yet and also I haven't gained ANY weight yet (I'm the exact same weight I was the day I did the test which is wacky considering I usually fluctuate from day to day) but somehow I can barely fit into my jeans. I went out yesterday to buy a new pair of leggings because they're the only thing that's comfortable anymore. ???

I think that's it!! Exciting stuff!! I'm eating homemade enchiladas and they're delicious but what I really want is strawberry pancakes drenched in butter!!!!!!


Feb. 4th, 2017 05:57 pm
kinoface: (☾:Usagi: ehhh!?)
Some things:

* can't remember the last time I wasn't hungry
* I have to pee an awful lot
* mandatory weight gain
* cramps that are mild but everyday -- but mild -- but everyday
* today I started crying at the drop of a hat

That's right, LJ/DW: I'm pregnant!!!!!

It happened ... kind of by accident, by which I mean that we stopped actively trying because the antibiotics I took for my throat last summer fucked up my whole body and it became impossible for me to tell when I was ovulating, but we never went back to using condoms, and then lo and behold one day I'm a week late and suddenly hate the taste of olives. etc )


Jan. 2nd, 2017 08:03 pm
kinoface: (嵐:きっと NO REASON!)
Trading posts with phrenk!!

→ School is done, yesss. I got a 4.0 and I'm so happy and exhausted and happy and exhausted and happy (and exhausted). Next semester should be less intense, which will be nice, and also I don't start back up until the 26th or something, which is ........... possibly too long of a vacation for me. But we'll see.

→ I've started drawing again!! I don't know if I'll keep it up once school starts (though I would like to), but I've been drawing every day since I got my stylus, and it feels really nice. I started a separate tumblr to post my stuff because I felt a little weird about posting it to my usual tumblr and hopefully I will keep adding to it. I feel like drawing will be easier to do during school than writing, because writing is so... mood-dependent, I guess? Whereas drawing is easier (for me) to put down and then come back and just pick up where I left off. Anyway, excited for now!

→ I also started a twitter for the hell of it so uh if anyone is on there and wants to say hello~

→ Christmas/Hanukkah was fine, went to my dad's like usual and ate latkes and had a good time. New Year's was fine, we went to a buddy's house and played games (including one called Secret Hitler that was actually a lot of fun despite my initial dread about playing a game called Secret Hitler) and ate delicious food. Despite literally never playing except for when we hang out with this specific group of friends, I remain the reigning champion of beer pong.


→ Dogs!! I love them!!!! It's been really rainy here so they've been inside a lot and I think they're starting to get cabin fever, so we bought them one of those toys you put food in and then they have to figure out how to get the food. They seem to be having fun with it. :D We usually have Odin in here with us, and the girls are usually with INB's sister, but Brownie's been hanging out with us the past few days just because. I LOVE THEM. Also, I just have to say: their winter coats are amazing. Brownie has really short fur so hers isn't that noticeable, but Bernadette and Odin have thicker fur and they just turn into these big fluffballs in the winter and it's amazing. I love petting and ruffling up the big floof around Odin's neck and down his back because it's so soft and luxurious omg. I LOVE THEM.

→ Books I have enjoyed reading recently!! Oh man, I had three lit classes last semester so my reading list was fucking enormous (when I bought my books at the beginning of the semester, the lady at the counter came out with a box and two bags, all full and all for me, and said "Holy hell, what's your major?") and there are some things I ...... wasn't in love with ....... but also some things I really enjoyed! Notable items:
* The Awakening by Kate Chopin -- Brutal nineteenth century feminism, exactly what I expected from Kate Chopin aka the ending was like a stab to the heart.
* The Stranger by Albert Camus -- Fascinating and extremely layered, there is a whole hell of a lot beneath the surface. I didn't keep this (all my books were rentals) but I might purchase a digital copy at some point because damn. I knew nothing about Camus before reading this and then I wrote a paper on him and now I want to read everything he's ever written.
* Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko -- A story about a half-white, half-Native American kid named Tayo who comes home from World War II and is completely shattered, and he has to complete a complex healing ceremony to put himself back together. Woven together with traditional Laguna stories, super super fascinating, has an interesting collection of multifaceted women characters, hard to follow at times but really worth it.
* The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz -- On the surface it's about this Dominican kid, Oscar, and his quest to finally get laid, but really it's a story about the Dominican Republic and Oscar's mother Beli and his sister Lola. This book made me furious at first because it was the last novel I read for my humanities class and almost every other novel was about men and I was so tired of this teacher assigning novels that feature women only as love interests, but this turned out to be a lot more than that. Hilarious and heartwrenching and also v. educational for plebs like me who don't know that much about the Dominican Republic.
* shout out to "Holy Sonnet 14" by John Donne for being a poem that is about God and also about hot rough sex.

→ Arashi fic I've been imagining in my head lately!! Oh man, I've kind of been toying with the idea of writing an Iwo Jima-era fic about Ohno missing Nino, for reasons, and then the new album came out and Miles Away punched me in my emotions and made me want to write it even more, so that's a thing that may or may not happen but is happening every day in my head. I also really want to finish the fic where Jun is a dragon, but... that will probably be really long... Also the one where Juntoshi meet in a kink club and get super flirty and Jun's getting ready to invite Ohno home with him and he asks what Ohno's into and Ohno just leans in real close and says, "Let's put it this way, Matsumoto-san: I'm a very bad boy." ALSO the period piece wherein Ohno is a sculptor who donates pieces to temples and stuff and Aiba, Nino, and Sho are gods who want to reward him for his hard work so one night after he's finished sculpting a handsome, broad-shouldered figure for a fountain, Ohno goes to sleep and the gods show up and bring the sculpture to life and give it a personality (please imagine the three fairies from Sleeping Beauty, all adding different things to the mix, Nino's like "he has to be charming, charisma is important," and Aiba's like, "make him curious and inquisitive!" and Sho's like "okay but give him a serious side too, we don't want to burden Ohno-san with a charismatic, curious idiot... also make him love food") and they name it Jun and he and Ohno fall in love LOOK I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ONE A LOT. Also a million stories about steamy Matsumiya sex, because what else is new.

→ Current home situation!! We are fully in the trailer now. \o/ It gets very very cold in here so we got a heater that's just a big ceramic plate mounted on the wall with a little box that heats it up, and it's not that great at heating the whole space, so we bought some thick curtains and used them to partition off the little area where we lay out our futon, so now it's like we have this tiny little room, and in that small space the heater works amaaaazingly well. I've actually woken up a few times in the middle of the night because I was too warm, even though it was literally freezing outside, and took off my socks and sweater and went back to sleep and it was glorious. We do have a little leak on one side, so we put a tarp over the roof, which keeps the water out but also blocks the panels for our lights, which are almost all solar-powered, so when it's rainy we have to use the lights very sparingly because they won't start charging again until we can take the tarp off. This is, of course, a work in progress; at some point INB's going to rearrange the solar panels so they're not being blocked when the tarp is on, it just hasn't happened yet (no blame or judgement from me because I have been a useless lump since school ended). We have the solar lights and then an outlet for our mini-fridge, microwave, heater, and computers. We don't have running water in here but there's a spout outside. Overall it's nice and cozy, and there's enough room for us and Odin, and it's private, and we don't have to worry about not being too loud once everyone has gone to sleep. I am happy!!

→ Just because I feel like saying it: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS NOTICED, BUT STAY GOLD IS A REALLY REALLY GOOD SONG. Last year phrenk and I made those solo ranking posts and I feel like if I did that again today, Stay Gold might be #1. I MEAN, I'D NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT, and of course this ranking has no real meaning because it has changed and will change and is only reflective of my current, no-implications-about-future-feelings feelings, but my feelings right now are that I can't stop listening to this song because it's so so so good and and it'so so JUN (I have always thought, but now more than ever, that this is the spiritual sequel to Yabai) and I just love driving down the freeway singing along to it and imagining Jun in his flowy white outfit with his big stupid beautiful smile. I JUST LIKE IT REALLY A LOT, YOU GUYS. KORE KARA MO ZUTTO!! MUGEN NO MIRAI E!!!!

Aaaand I think that's all I have.


Dec. 19th, 2016 06:16 pm
kinoface: (嵐:Juntoshi)
Been going through A Time. My second-to-last trip to campus this semester was early last week and since then I feel like I've been floating in an abyss. Barely managed to finish my last paper on time, and now I have to study for an exam tomorrow (my last trip to campus, also my last final, which means after this I'll be done) but I just ... don't care ........... It's like I've been having a competition with myself to see how much time I can spend sleeping or just lying in bed doing nothing. I was awake for one, maybe two hours of daylight today.


Right now my immediate to-do list includes showering, feeding myself, and studying, but instead I am going to do the end-of-year fic round-up because at this point I'm pretty sure I won't be writing anything else before 2017. LET'S BEGIN.

Stroke the Right Nerve (Juntoshi - 2,244)
Morning Light (Juntoshi - 1,772)
Airborne (Juntoshi - 6,870)
for nino_exchange: Shadows in Slow Motion (Matsumiya - 29,503)
Show and Tell (Sakumoto - 1,399)
for arashi_exchange: Talk Dirty to Me (Modelpair - 2,368)
for kitto_slutparty: Start with a Kiss (Sho/everyone - 7,491)

Not counting Whale's Tooth (Final Fantasy XII - 2,408) which I wrote years ago and then revamped and posted to AO3 in April.

→ So that's seven fics with a combined total of 51,597 words. That's just a little under last year's total (eight fics with 52k), which is actually a lot more than I was expecting. I've been feeling like I wrote barely anything, but it helps that the longest fic I wrote this year was the longest fic I've ever written and is more than twice as long as the fic that previously held that title.

→ Almost all canon with only two AU fics, whereas last year was about half and half.

→ No pinch hits this year (none needed, good job fellow NinoEx participants, we are all winners!!) which is probably for the best because I barely finished my last two exchange fics on time and I'm not really that happy with the finished product. (I almost didn't even post them to AO3 but finally figured "oh what the hell.") I signed up kind of on a whim, thinking it would be a good way to stay connected to fandom while I was in school, but this semester ended up being way more intense than I thought it would and I had some Regrets™. I'm still hoping to do NinoEx next year, because my course load won't be as intense (I'll be taking one lit class vs. three) and also because NinoEx fics won't be due until a few weeks after finals, so at the very least I'll have that time to write... but we'll see.

→ All of these fics involve Jun as the main or endgame pairing, which is not at all surprising. Last year half of my fics didn't even feature Jun and I was weirdly proud of that (like... proof that I can write more than just the things I want to write all for myself??) but I'm pleased with this year's Junfest.

→ Favorite fic: Shadows in Slow Motion, hands down. Longest fic ever and I had a lot of fun writing it, and it was extremely well-received for which I am so, so grateful. It's not perfect by any means, and if I'd had more time (by which I really mean "if I'd started earlier") it would probably be a few thousand words longer, but I'm happy with what I accomplished. (This is also part of the reason I almost didn't post those final exchange fics; I kept thinking "NO, I WANT THIS MATSUMIYA EPIC TO BE AT THE TOP OF MY AO3 PAGE FOREVER.") Runners-up: Stroke the Right Nerve and Morning Light, because JUNTOSHI.

→ Last year's goals: "Actually write Sakuraiba! Actually write Juntoshi! Write all ten pairings. Write at least three fics that are just things I want to write, not for an exchange or meme." I did not actually write Sakuraiba (because by "actually" I mean "by itself, not as a Sho/everyone or Aiba/everyone fic," which is the only way I've ever written it), but I did write a ton of Juntoshi. Congratulations, self, for adding three new Juntoshi fics to the world! I got nowhere near writing all ten pairings, but I did write three/four fics that were just for me. Airborne was technically for a meme but it was also an excuse to write nearly 7,000 words of Juntoshi kink/aftercare with Jun as a needy sub, soooo it was basically for me.

→ Writing goals for 2017: Just write something. Think realistically about exchanges and don't sign up for them if completing them on time will be nearly impossible (for external reasons unrelated to my own tendency to procrastinate). At least continue to work on the three potential masterpieces sitting in my WIP folder (dragon Jun, some hardcore Matsumiya kink, and the Fallout AU, all of which I have thousands and thousands of words of notes for) even if I don't finish any of them. Don't let them rot, self. Don't do to them what you did to Dreamhookers.

If anyone is interested, feel free to 1) ask questions about, 2) request some DVD-style commentary of, or 3) request a drabble-sized remix or timestamp from any of this year's fics (or those three big fics in my WIP folder!).

Nov. 23rd, 2016 10:44 pm
kinoface: (! el señor esqueleto)
What is life.

→ School is going good and I am tired and busy all the time and my brain is slowly turning to mush but I only have two more weeks of regular class sessions, and then finals, and then done!! By some stroke of divine luck, my finals are spread out so I only have one per week. Ridiculous.

→ Driving is good. Captain, my beloved blue Hyundai, is good. Driving down the freeway listening to Arashi at outrageously high volumes... very good.

→ Thanksgiving............ Idk. I have no unhappy feelings about it, I just don't care about it. If I could, I would just stay in bed all day. When people ask, "So, any big plans for Turkey Day?", my instinct is to respond with "Well it's a holiday I will always associate with missing my mom so I prefer to ignore it" but I guess that would be kinda rude.

→ Dear god, that reminds me: I had One Of Those Conversations the other day. Earlier in the semester, in my Lit Theory class, we were reading a novel in which the main character's mother dies and as we were discussing his bizarro personality I pointed out that maybe his super flat, bordering-on-sociopathic behavior has to do with, you know, HIS MOM DYING, since that's definitely how I lived life for a few years after it happened to me -- and I know this information stuck with my teacher because on a later date, he was going over all the theories we'd discussed so far and he mentioned, "And also I remember Hannah saying 'well it sucks when your mom dies'"... AND THEN the week after the election, I stuck around after class for unrelated reasons and we ended up talking about politics and I said something about how my mom used to get super excited about elections and he asked if she still does AND AS HE WAS SAYING IT, I COULD SEE THE REALIZATION DAWN ON HIS FACE, IT WAS A FULL-BODY MOMENT OF REGRET, HE LITERALLY SAT DOWN AND LOOKED HORRIFIED and I just brushed it off with something like "my dad doesn't get as into it as she did" and he just like stuttered for a second and then said "yes, well, may she rest in peace," OF ALL THINGS, BLESS HIS HEART, but it came out like that was the only thought in his head and he hated himself for saying it. I FELT SO BAD? LIKE I WANTED TO SAY HOLY SHIT I'M SORRY FOR HAVING CREATED AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE KIND OF SHAME YOU ARE CLEARLY EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW, I PROMISE IT'S OKAY, it was just so awkward and painful. (But not as painful as my last semester at Delta when I ran into an old professor/mentor who met my mom when she was sick and as we were talking the subject of parents came up [because of something a student had written] and he mentioned my mom [with zero prompting from me] and he LITERALLY STARTED CRYING. LITERALLY CRYING!!!! Anyway thank you, English professors of the world, for reminding me why I usually avoid talking about my mom in public.)

→ Speaking of feelings: I miss H so much. I don't have words to describe it, or at least not words that I want to share here. But it's a lot, and it hurts, and "I hope he visits soon" is a massive understatement.

→ On a completely unrelated note: ARASHI. I AM HAPPY. YES. GOOD.

→ I don't really know what else to say here. I've been trying to write a post for months but there's just not a whole lot going on, or, alternately, the things that are going on feel completely overshadowed by how busy I am with school. Taking three lit classes in one semester is no joke. But I miss you all very much. Very, very, very much. ♥


Jul. 28th, 2016 05:14 am
kinoface: (☾:Ami: well actually...)
- Was exhausted all day and now I can't sleep. What is life.

- Not pregnant yet. Starting to worry about some things, but I guess it hasn't really been long enough for that worry to be reasonable.

- Starting at CSU Stan next month. Was terrified, then terrified and kind of excited, then mostly excited and only kind of terrified, then just excited, and now impatient. I start in a month and I might go crazy before then.

- One super obnoxious thing: I need to get my driver's license, and we need to buy a car. I have come to terms with this, and the money will be fine. But I didn't realize that the DMV no longer takes walk-ins for the written permit test, so now I have an appointment on the 10th just to get my permit and then school starts two weeks after that, and although I am confident in my ability to be comfortable behind the wheel in that time, I am ZERO PERCENT confident in my ability to get an appointment for the driving test within that time. I can't schedule it without my permit, so my plan is to go in on the 10th, pass the test, and then immediately make a behind-the-wheel appointment and PRAY that I can get one before the 24th... and if not, I have to find a way to get to school for the first week or two weeks or however long it'll take. This is weirdly impossible via public transportation, which still fucking boggles my mind, but I've checked over and over and over again. Sooo anyway that's definitely not a stressful thing that has been on my mind!!!

- Since I haven't been a full-time student in about ten years, I decided to not work next semester so I can focus on transitioning back into it. I don't know if I'll be back after that -- it depends on how well I can handle a full course load and how well we can make it on our combined financial aid, since INB is also going to school full-time -- but my boss, who is basically my second mom at this point, got really emotional when I told her. She threw me a party on my last day, cried a lot, and bought me a shirt that said "Delta Mustang for Life" and got everyone to sign it. I love her and them and the Writing Lab so, so much.

- We are fully moved into our tiny home. It's a little cramped, mostly because we haven't put shelves up yet, and also the wifi is shit, but otherwise it's been great.

- Towards the end of the semester, I got a really bad sore throat but brushed it off and kept pushing my voice until I couldn't deal with the pain anymore and called the nurse hotline at like three in the morning on a Saturday and was advised to go to urgent care ASAP since it could be strep. Turns out it wasn't strep, but my tonsils were horrifically infected. Awesome. Was put on a ten-day course of antibiotics and then a week later had what was an ultimately harmless but incredibly uncomfortable allergic reaction. I've never been allergic to anything and I gotta say: it fucking sucks. I was covered in hives from head to toe. LITERALLY HEAD TO TOE. FROM MY SCALP ALL THE WAY TO MY FINGERS AND TOES AND EVERY FUCKING INCH IN BETWEEN. So I got taken off the antibiotics a few days early and was given Prednisone and now finally, finally, my skin is clearing up and the itching is mostly gone, and I was worried that stopping the antibiotics would bring the infection back but it's been a few days and my throat hasn't hurt at all, so overall I am relieved.

- Watched the first season of Supergirl and REALLY, REALLY liked it. It's pretty silly but it's so good about so many things and there are so many wonderful ladies and it just made me really happy. Cut for spoilers in case that is necessary. )

- I need more Arashi in my life: fact. Been feeling really disconnected from fandom for various reasons (none of which have to do with my feelings of love, which are as strong as ever) and it's kinda bumming me out. I think this means I need to start rewatching everything on my hard drive until our wifi is reliable enough to download new things, and also that I need to add a bunch of Arashi blogs to my tumblr dash for the rare moments when I can actually get it to load.

WELP, I took a melatonin about an hour ago so I guess I will try once again to fall asleep.


Apr. 16th, 2016 02:25 pm
kinoface: (! el señor esqueleto)

→ Finished my six-week motivation project, which was pretty successful! My nails, then and now: 4 images )

→ Cut my hair! 1 picture )

→ Was given this incredible picture of my mom, taken when she was twenty-four years old, now framed and hanging on my wall: 1 picture )

→ Got a tattoo!!! 1 picture ) Some thoughts about the tattoo and about the experience of getting it. )

→ Not pregnant yet but still trying. :D

Anyway so those are the current life and times of kinoface. I miss you guys!


Feb. 18th, 2016 09:15 pm
kinoface: (嵐:きっと NO REASON!)
→ Update on previously mentioned thing, part 1: Almost done with week 2 of my project and so far it's going great! It's been a nice reward for doing the things I was already doing and want to maintain, and a great motivator for the things I hadn't been doing but wanted to get back into. I've also been making changes as I go from week to week; I changed a few things on week 1 after my three-day practice round, and I changed a few more things on week 2 after week 1. For instance, now that I've gotten better at drinking water (helped by my new, beautiful, Juntoshi-colored water bottle!!), I'm trying to get even better, so I added a new line for finishing a second bottle and an even more valuable line for finishing a third bottle... which I have yet to achieve, BUT I'LL KEEP ON TRYIN (KEEP ON TRYIN~). If anyone is curious, here's what my (FANCY COLOR-CODED) spreadsheet for week 2 looks like. (For some inexplicable reason, I can't get the pictures to embed?? Maybe this has something to do with Google's shift from Picasa to Photos, since I always used Picasa before??? Anyway, here is a link!)

As you can see, I did fuck up one of my nails on Monday, ugh. It was one of those (now rare) instances where I didn't have my clipper with me and I found a little snag and I just couldn't leave it alone. Ugh ugh ugh. But it was just one and I felt like shit afterwards so um I will probably remember that the next time I think about doing it. Otherwise I've been REALLY good about leaving them alone and/or taking care of snags the appropriate way.

After two weeks of not fucking with them other than that, here's what they look like: 1 2 They're still super short, but you can see that they're growing back. You can also see where my cuticles are still messed up, but moisturizing every day has helped a lot. Trust me, they were torn and bleeding and horrific two weeks ago. Anyway, fighting!!

→ Update on previously mentioned thing, part 2: OPERATION: GROW A HUMAN FROM SCRATCH IS OFFICIALLY UNDERWAY. I had my last adult beverage last weekend, have cut my caffeine intake to one cup of coffee in the morning, have started taking prenatal pills, and ... have been doing other things involved with making a baby. :D TMI spoiler alert: yuck ) Unrelated to gross sex things, we've been hotly debating possible names. I have been saying Aviv for years and INB has been shooting it down for years, the other day my Israeli friend said "What about Avi?", INB said "......okay I can do that, why don't you think about some names Avi could be a nickname for that AREN'T Aviv," and I may have sold him on Javier. (Javi is also a super-cute nickname so it's a win/win.) Of course the truth is that if we have a boy, everyone is going to call him Levi anyway so we might as well go with that, which INB half-jokingly (only half!!) agrees with. I'm hopeful. :D (We are still aggressively undecided on girl names, so it's a good thing we have plenty of time to work it out.)

Also, as I was saying to INB the other day, the possibility of (intentionally) becoming pregnant is a really good motivator to take care of my body. If it's just for me, I'll do something for a little while and then eventually peter off, but now that it's for another human being, who doesn't even exist yet but whom I could irreparably damage if I don't do what I'm supposed to do... With great power etc etc.

→ Possibly-mentioned-in-passing thing: Here is a selfie for three reasons.

Reason 1: to show off my make-up, which I've recently been getting more and more into. It started with a little bb cream, which graduated to bb cream + sealing powder, and is now just bb powder because my skin is just too goddamn oily for the cream. But I'm really in love with the powder. It makes a ridiculous difference. Also: eyeliner is fun! I got several compliments on it this weekend. :D

Reason 2: to show off my low-key Sailor Venus cosplay. Orange shirt with blue accents! Artemis pin! I wore the white rose earrings to match Artemis but if I'd been really thinking about it I would have worn my little heart-shaped earrings instead. Next time! I will also see if I have any red things I can put in my hair.

Reason 3: to show off my new green lip ring yessss. By "new" I mean that it came in a four-pack I bought last year as a birthday present to myself but since then I've only worn the black ones. But then I lost all the black barbells because I'm a winner. I was a little hesitant about this one at first because it's such a light, pop-y green, but now that I've been wearing it for a while I love it, IT'S SO GREAT.

→ Other things: A) Spent Galentine's Day weekend with elfie, captain-snen from Tumblr, and my childhood Israeli friend -- not all at the same time. Israeli friend and I spent a glorious day in San Francisco which included a ridiculously tasty dinner at a French Creole restaurant. Good goddamn. B) I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but this semester I'm working in a classroom again!! Aaahh it's been so many years and I've missed it. C) In an ever-growing sea of mediocre sushi places, Stockton FINALLY has a ramen place!!! INB and I went today and it was so fucking good. D) Brownie is doing great. She still breathes a little funny (like, I don't think there's anything wrong, she just sounda kinda snorty when she lies upside down, also she snores so fucking loud it's amazing) but otherwise she's completely fine. Like what kind of dog gets hit in the face by a car and only manages to chip a tooth and snore loudly?? E) I've had a Tim Drake Funko Pop figure for years, but I recently added a Burt Ward Robin and a Nightwing to my collection asldkjhsajdh which means the only Funko Pop Robin I'm missing is the Teen Titans Go version!!! SO OF COURSE FUNKO POP WENT AND RELEASED A LINE OF SAILOR MOON FIGURES. This news is emotionally wonderful and financially troublesome. Also I found my Balthier and Delita gashapon, aaahhh!!! I seriously thought they were with my Sailor Moon gashapon, so now the mystery is: where the fuck are my Sailor Moon gashapon?!

→ Irresponsible thing: By writing this post I have been hardcore avoiding work. Adulting!


Feb. 5th, 2016 06:19 pm
kinoface: (☾:Ami: well actually...)
My nails are hideous right now, just so bad, and it's been bothering me for weeks but yesterday I got really freaked out about it while I was tutoring and writing a bunch of things down, because it's like ... they're not just short, or kinda raggedy -- they look gross and they're in such bad shape that they hurt.

For those of you with whom I have not talked about this before: my gross nails are a source of some serious grade-A anxiety for me. The tl;dr version is that I fuck with them when I'm bored and then I get really self-conscious about them and then I fuck with them more because I'm nervous and then that makes me even more nervous and it just goes on forever until I eventually, somehow, manage to leave them alone long enough to let them heal and grow back.

Except right now I just can't stop fucking with them. They got so bad that I even bought some acrylics a few weeks back, for the first time in so many years, but I'd just pick those off too. I've decided so many times, "Okay, this is the day I start taking care of them again!!" but it never works. So yesterday I sat down and started thinking really hard about how I can motivate myself to actually do it. I had a few ideas to start with, and then I kept tweaking those ideas and adding to them as I thought about more and more things I need to be better at (especially now that we're planning on growing a human from scratch), and what I finally ended up with was a six-week plan.

* I came up with a list of things I want to keep doing to take care of myself (like brushing my teeth, actually making food instead of just snacking indefinitely when I'm legit hungry, etc) and gave each of those things a monetary value. Things that are really easy are only worth like five cents, but things that are really hard (like DRINKING WATER? why is drinking water so fucking hard for me) are worth more. Every time I do one of those things (including multiple times in the same day), I add that value to my running total.

* I wanted to motivate myself to do good things rather than punish myself for doing bad things (because I know I'll just get demoralized by a bunch of punishments) but I did add two things that I really, REALLY don't want to do: getting fewer than four hours of sleep before work is minus fifty cents, and picking at my nails is minus a dollar.

* For each week, my goal is to have added $5 to my total. So it should be $5 at the end of week one, $10 at the end of week two, etc. If I meet those goals, I'll give myself little rewards, all of which I've planned in advance: a new shade of lip gloss, some slightly nicer eyeliner, etc. (I deliberately chose small, trivial things, not things like new shoes or a new bra, because I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm like "Well I fucked up so I'm not allowed to have this thing I actually need!!") If I don't meet the weekly goal, I don't get the reward, but I still take the amount I earned (whatever it is) and add it to the overall total.

* I also added a "bonus round" which includes important shit I want (but don't want) to do. This list doesn't include work-related things or other stuff that I'm gonna have to do anyway, like dishes or laundry or whatever, but it does include things that I really SHOULD do even though I really really really don't want to, like: make an appointment to see an OBGYN??? OH GOD I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT, but I guess it's maybe kinda important if I'm going to try to grow a child in my body. So there are various things on this to-do list and they have varying values, but the really scary ones are really valuable.

* My overall goal is to earn $30 by the end of the six weeks. I've planned a bigger reward for the end, so if I do get the $30, I get that big reward!! But even if I don't get the big reward, I get to take whatever amount I have earned and spend it on whatever I want. So even if I don't get The Big Reward, I'll still be rewarding myself for making the effort and sticking to the plan even if I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to.

I think this plan is pretty generous, because I get something out of it no matter what, but that's kind of the point: the only way I'll be really demoralized and tempted to give up / never do it again is if I REALLY fail and just keep fucking up my nails anyway. Instead of fighting with or berating myself, I'll be able to add little things here and there and fill out my little chart and actually feel genuinely, happily motivated to do this thing that I want to do anyway but am struggling with.

Right now we're actually really good with money (not like Livin Rich or anything, but even after paying rent this month we'll have like $1500??? this is amazing and wonderful) so I feel comfortable with $30 + a big reward, but if I do this kind of thing again in the future it'll probably be something smaller. But this works for now and I am happy and grateful.

Re: the chart: I spent a lot of time yesterday trying to figure out how to keep track of all of this -- playing around on Habit RPG, setting up notebooks in Evernote, etc -- but I finally was like YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE EXCEL FOR THIS. So I created a huge color-coded spreadsheet on Google (super awesome because that means I can access it on my phone too) and set it up to like automatically fill in the totals and shit. It's pretty impressive if I do say so myself. :D
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